Queen City Swerve roasts–er, toasts–special election hopefuls
Call us Marie Kondo, because we love mess–and today’s special election for North Carolina Congressional District 9 is serving plenty. The special vote is being held because of Republican Mark Harris’ fraudulent win back in November. Good thing we passed that Republican-backed voter ID law, which wouldn’t have prevented it at all.
Naturally, the most ridiculous Republicans have shuffled in to fill the void. Dan Bishop is that racist stepdad-looking guy you’ve seen on TV, standing amongst inflatable CGI clowns with the superimposed images of notable Democrats and public domain circus music playing in the background. He promises to hand-build a border wall (a pressing issue for North Carolina), while AOC’s weeble wobble head looks at him with eyes that say, “Dan Bishop just approached me in a trench coat and exposed himself.”
In Stony Rushing’s big ad, he’s decided to throw on his galoshes, wrap his son’s albino ball python around his neck, and go stand in a puddle, because… yeehaw, or whatever.
Then Leigh Brown really shakes things up. After the UNCC shooting, she abandoned her lobbyist-backed TV ads in favor of a direct mail campaign in which she posed with shotguns, just so no one would mistake her “I’d like to make a return at Dillard’s” haircut with someone who was in favor of common sense and compassion.
We understand it can be hard for voters to decide between caricatures who root their values in operating like 85-year-old oil tycoons in top hats at the Derby, so we took a look at their Tinder profiles to get more insight into who they are as people.
Leigh Brown: “Realtor Packing Heat”
Favorite Quote: “You can piss in one hand and wish in the other, which one will fill up first?”
- Making my kids pick out their own switch in the backyard
- Filming myself saying bitchy things
- Speaking to managers
- Discussing how to gentrify Charlotte communities over brunch
- Demanding the Federal Elections Commission make me exempt from their rules. Don’t they know who I am?
Favorite Movies: Loqueesha, The Blind Side, The Help
Stony Rushing: “The Boss Hogg of Union County”
Favorite Quote: “If you’re feelin’ froggy, jump.”
- Coverin’ myself in deer urine
- Challengin’ the devil to fiddle fights
- Pickin’ out the perfect pair of truck nutz
- Spittin’ tobacco juice into empty Circle K cups
- Flickin’ boogers at Hondas on the highway
- Swaddlin’ mahself in the Confederate flag to fall asleep at night
Favorite Television shows: Finding Bigfoot, River Monsters
Dan Bishop: “Attorney at Bishop, Bishop, and Boat Shoes, LLC”
Favorite Quote: Anything by my boy, Ted Cruz
- Stopping trans people from using the restroom
- Funding Muslim hate groups
- Calling women “crazy”
- Sorting my neutral button-up shirt collection`
- Definitely not belonging to a family of serial killers. Seriously, we are so normal.
Favorite Television show: Golf, NCIS
Wow, what a winner’s circle! Only the finest garbage juice for NC-09 to swipe right on. Remember, the primary is today, Republicans, so make sure you hand over those absentee ballots to the totally trustworthy people coming to collect them.