The QC Swerve
The sounds of jingling chain wallets and Mountain Dew cans cracking rang throughout the campus of CPCC Monday morning as Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke visited. He was here in the Queen City to highlight his totally RADICAL platform ideas, such as “Hey man, just relax”, “Am I too old for checkerboard vans?”, and “Anarchy in the UK!”
If Beto took a Buzzfeed quiz about what nineties sitcom he is, he’d get “Seinfeld” with all the yadda yadda yadda he piles into his stump speeches, but at least he does it in style: jogging out to a Foo Fighters song, standing up on a table, gesturing wildly like a wacky waving inflatable flailing arm tube man, looking like the perspiring embodiment of the color beige.
You can catch him later this week (no really, catch him- he may try to crowd surf off that table) in Greensboro, and Chapel Hill. If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to see your “cool” 6th grade social studies teacher try to run for public office, now’s your chance.
If you attend and Beto happens to say anything of substance, please email us. We’re working on a theory that he has the spine of nautilus, and we need to know for science.
For the record, we’ll be impressed with him when he does an ollie while rapping about prison abolition and UBI.
Disclaimer: QC Swerve is a satire column. Not every detail is factual, but the general ideas ring true.